Family Matters

For my second entry, I originally wanted to write about the conversation I had with couple of friends on Saturday Night. But more things happened on Sunday that I want to first get that out of my system.

I spent my Sunday morning at my parents place. I was visiting them after two weeks. I don’t want this blog to sound ugly but the morning turned into an argument. Recently I cut down the amount of time I have been spending with them to avoid fights. I’m the reason for the fights to start in most cases but I react because my dad treats me like I’m an irresponsible child. I am constantly bothered that he thinks I have not accomplished much in life and I don’t know how to carry on my responsibilities. This is a constant feeling I get from him and I have even questioned him directly few times. Someone recently asked him if he is proud of me and he said there is nothing to be proud. To him, I finished college and now working just like everyone. I can’t say why it really matters that he should give me some credit. It could be my insecurities and a need of an approval from my parents. I believe I had my share of tough times and at times I didn’t make the right choices. So there is some guilt and regret inside me.

As I have turned thirty this year I started wondering what more can I do in life to prove myself and the world that I’m very much capable. Many times I go into confusion. I do my best to have a positive take at life. Speaking to a friend today I realized that it is pretty much the story in most families. I shouldn’t feel alone and it is the little things that I should cherish about life. If it is the approval of my parents that makes me happy, it is probably an obsession I created and I should work on getting over it. Next time I really really need to do my best not to get emotional and let them treat me the way they are comfortable. Keep my expectations low on what they feel about me and let them love me the way they are capable. I have lot of respect for my dad, for all the things he has done for me and how he worries about me constantly. I know it means he loves me but just doesn’t know how to show it. I hope he and I can go back to the old times soon and have some fun! I also need to be more independent and get rid of my fears that I’m not my father’s little daughter anymore. It is probably very true my dad will feel stronger on the day he sees that I can take care of my life with no ones help. I just have to show him those strengths and give him confidence.

On a stronger note, my day ended with a game of Set and I won!! It proves that I have strengths that I'm not aware of and powers of John Nash!

Yours Truly,

Ender

Don't forget to celebrate

Last month I signed up for the Austin Distance Challenge. It is a series of 5 races- a 10K, a 10mi, 2 half marathons and the final race is a marathon or a half-marathon. I ran race #2 this morning- the 10 miler. At the finish line, I was sore and my calves were screaming in pain. But my heart was soaring! It is a singular happiness that hits me every time I see the finish line of a long race. 

While prepping for a race, I like the days when I am training Tabata style. In its true form, the runner should sprint as fast as possible for 20 seconds, take a 10 second break and repeat up to 8 times. In my interpreted version, I run faster than my steady state pace until I hit a previously determined target (a lamppost, a street corner etc.) and then return to steady state. There's an undeniable sense of accomplishment when you can sustain a greater pace to hit your milestone.

Life's like an infinity-miler. When we get to that ultimate finish line- we don't expect to be cheering. But we are always training to ace this race. So it is up to each of us to find our mini-milestones and remember to create and enjoy our mini-celebrations! After all, don't the best things in life come in small packages? 

Dora.. Out.. Woof..

Letting go

Hi, I am Dora and this is my first Shady Friends blog entry.

Yesterday we had our annual Halloween event at work. Stewie, Garfield and I had signed up for a build-a-bear workshop- okay so we were 25 years older than the rest of the people on the roster (no need to judge!)- we simply wanted to have some fun. Well- we never did get to build our pirate bear because of a sign-in mishap.. but we did make up for it by getting a psychic reading. And that brings me to the main part of the blog...

My psychic reading included a "you're a little bit of a control freak" and a "when men approach you- you keep them at a distance and that frustrates them". I usually shrug these readings off- but something hit home last night. Not losing control of my emotions is a big deal for me- it does not come naturally to me and I have spent years of my life training myself to get to where I am today. Not being dependent on others is a huge part of my identity. And now I am being told my studied restraint could also be my emotional Achilles' heel? 

The reality is that the psychic wasn't the first person to hint at this. My friends have mentioned this in passing on various occasions and I've always nodded and accepted the fact- maybe I was even a little proud of it. But it's been a nuisance in my head for the past few months at least.. I have heard my inner voice coaxing me periodically to break-away from my habits. And like every separation, I have been through the steps of denial, frustration, anger and sadness. Maybe it is time to take action? 

So last night- I tested myself. I let Stewie buy me a bottle of water without offering to pay for it. (Yes folks- THAT is how bad I am). And it wasn't so awful. Maybe I will try it again- soon?!

I will NOT be frustrated

Dear God,

I don't thank you enough for this but I am grateful to you for everything you have bestowed on me. I know I have my moments of insanity where I have wished to be born as dog or a cat and live in a nice warm home in my next life-free of all worries and the vicious cycle of education-job-money-house-retirement-parents. But then i think about how beautiful life is and joys simple things bring to me..why would i ever want to be not born as human again?
Maybe because I am frustrated  as I still don't know what my purpose is on this earth? Am i frustrated because I don't have the inner peace? Or am I frustrated by the pressure I get from my family? Is the burden of expectations weighing me down? Am i too scared to take a leap of faith? 5 Years ago I wanted to go conquer the world. Not sure if it was realistic to say that then but at-least I had hopes and optimism. As I grow older I feel time is running by quickly. I often thing about making a bucket list but feel like its such a cliche..Why plan something you want to do? Why cant I just wait and let things pan out?
5 years ago I wanted to travel the world...well I haven't done that yet...I am stuck in the American dream - work 11 months a year and take the 1 month off to go visit family in India - my home land which feels more alienating than year after year. I hear about people taking a sabbatical from work and just backpacking. Sometimes I wonder will I ever have the guts to pull something off like this?
People say success gets to your head. I will stand up and say YES it once got to my head and I fell down really hard. When I look back it wasn't much of a success but a temporary feeling of being different and in a power position. Why did I behave like that? Was it because of the long term desire to prove myself and a little success made me go nuts?
I changed jobs earlier this year something I was praying for several years....now that I have it I am not happy. Why cant Human beings be content? Why do we fall in the trap of greed  and success?

My question then is
How can I be happy and not Frustrated?

--Stewie (Rudy)

Dear Planet...

The idea of starting a blog with friends sounded cool at first! It gives me a chance to share my thoughts and work on my writing skills. But honestly, my English is terrible and half the time my thoughts are not contained. Inspite of those facts, I decided to be part of this blogspot. Right there! I'm being optimistic!! I hope to get better at this over time.
Here is my take on yesterday. I was listening to NPR on the way back home. Wish I had listened to the whole report because it was quite interesting. Some statistics on population growth and what it means to us - by end of 2011 world population will be 7 billion, a drastic growth from 1 billion just couple of centuries ago. In few more years, the population can easily reach 8 billion. Seventy percent of us already or will be living in major cities. The concern is not the space we take up, but it is how much we consume. Large portions of the population already have no clean water, and there are sanitation problems. Food will be scarce even with the advancments in Agriculture.
When I was listening to this, (it was lot more interesting to listen to the news and there were lot of facts I'm unable to share since I have already forgotten), I started having a bigger picture at life. I frequently ask myself, why are we here? What is our purpose? And now, what are we doing to this planet? Few weeks ago there was a report on wild animals that got loose in Ohio and almost all of them were killed because they were supposed to be dangerous to us. That was devastating for me. Why kill those poor animals when we brought them here in first place? Even if it the right thing to do, I felt like it was completely unfair. Who are we to decide?
At the end, it is something to think and reflect upon. My optimistic take on this is that there is more to life than what I am doing right now. There are greater things in this world and it gives me hope that one day I get to explore and hopefully do something good in life and to this planet.

Your Truly,
Ender

To care or not to care

I believe that I am a very self-aware person. For instance, I hurry in the parking lot of stores when I see people are waiting to get in my spot. I don’t sit in the car fixing my hair or dialing my cell phone if people are waiting. Obviously the downside to my high self-awareness is that I care about what people think or say about me. This can be very frustrating when I get judged by people who according to me are not very smart. However, today I saw something that has changed me forever.

Today I heard John Mackey speak and while I didn’t completely agree with his various opinions I recognized that he is a super smart person. Of course the fact that he is the founder of Whole Foods should automatically make you think he deserves everyone’s respect.  Yet I heard my fellow peers criticize him. They were picking on him, from his political stand to his idealism. At that point I realized, people will always critique others. To these people accomplishments and achievements don’t matter. They just want to show how they are better than you, be it in the entirety or in that particular aspect. Irrespective, these people or detractors are quick to use buzz words to show their knowledge.

So for me today is the day that I have crossed the bridge to the land where I don’t care about what people think of me.

From the other side,

Garfield