Family Matters

For my second entry, I originally wanted to write about the conversation I had with couple of friends on Saturday Night. But more things happened on Sunday that I want to first get that out of my system.

I spent my Sunday morning at my parents place. I was visiting them after two weeks. I don’t want this blog to sound ugly but the morning turned into an argument. Recently I cut down the amount of time I have been spending with them to avoid fights. I’m the reason for the fights to start in most cases but I react because my dad treats me like I’m an irresponsible child. I am constantly bothered that he thinks I have not accomplished much in life and I don’t know how to carry on my responsibilities. This is a constant feeling I get from him and I have even questioned him directly few times. Someone recently asked him if he is proud of me and he said there is nothing to be proud. To him, I finished college and now working just like everyone. I can’t say why it really matters that he should give me some credit. It could be my insecurities and a need of an approval from my parents. I believe I had my share of tough times and at times I didn’t make the right choices. So there is some guilt and regret inside me.

As I have turned thirty this year I started wondering what more can I do in life to prove myself and the world that I’m very much capable. Many times I go into confusion. I do my best to have a positive take at life. Speaking to a friend today I realized that it is pretty much the story in most families. I shouldn’t feel alone and it is the little things that I should cherish about life. If it is the approval of my parents that makes me happy, it is probably an obsession I created and I should work on getting over it. Next time I really really need to do my best not to get emotional and let them treat me the way they are comfortable. Keep my expectations low on what they feel about me and let them love me the way they are capable. I have lot of respect for my dad, for all the things he has done for me and how he worries about me constantly. I know it means he loves me but just doesn’t know how to show it. I hope he and I can go back to the old times soon and have some fun! I also need to be more independent and get rid of my fears that I’m not my father’s little daughter anymore. It is probably very true my dad will feel stronger on the day he sees that I can take care of my life with no ones help. I just have to show him those strengths and give him confidence.

On a stronger note, my day ended with a game of Set and I won!! It proves that I have strengths that I'm not aware of and powers of John Nash!

Yours Truly,

Ender